A Gentleman writes:
After years of hard work, my company rightly rewarded me with a promotion and healthy raise. The new job requires me and longtime companion, Billy, to move from Miami Beach to company headquarters in Iowa.
While we’re sad to leave the Florida sunshine behind, my increased pay coupled with the lower cost-of-living lets us upgrade from one-bedroom condominium to 5,000-square-foot “McMansion.” Just as important, moving to a sophisticated state such as Iowa gives me and Billy the chance to finally “tie the knot.”
Billy’s never brought in much money from his career as professional body builder. To make up for it, he takes primary housekeeping responsibility.
Though he averages 12 hours a day at the gym, Billy’s cooking and cleaning have heretofore proved acceptable. But, now that we’re getting married, I expect a bit more from Billy than the bare minimum. It’s high time he puts dreams of body-building stardom on the shelf so he can spend the majority of time attending to my needs.
I came across your blog researching vacuum cleaners online, as Billy carelessly broke the old one running it into a set of barbells he left on the living room floor. I must confess the thought of Billy hard at work during the day keeping my mansion immaculately clean and cooking me fancy dinners while being at my beck and call anytime I desire sex at night is most appealing.
But, as a rising corporate star with dreams of CEO-ship dancing in my head, I dare not commit a faux pas in my domestic life. As your blog is required reading among the smart set, I must ask: Is it acceptable for gay married men to practice the “1950s Wife” lifestyle?
First let me congratulate you and Billy on your impending nuptials. If only more states followed the lead of the Hawkeye State, then these United States would be a better place.
Of course it’s perfectly acceptable that you and Billy, now that you’re becoming Mr.-and-Mr., to incorporate 1950s Wife-values into your daily routine.
Having spent so many years in the Florida sun, Billy may chaff at first at being kept in the house most of the day cleaning house, cooking your meals and laundering your clothes. His previous routine of 84 hours a week in the gym should help in the adjustment, as will Iowa’s eight-month winters.
While proper housekeeping is certainly strenuous, it probably doesn’t burn as many calories as pumping iron 12 hours every day. As you don’t want to risk losing your sexual desire for Billy by him getting all flabby with “man boobs” and a big fat gut, you should limit his diet to 1500 calories a day of fruit, nuts and protein shakes.
Allow him one hour out of his 12-hour housekeeping day to devote to push-ups jumping jacks, “Burpees” and other calisthenics and weightlifting. While he’s working out, you should require Billy to recite phrases to remind him that the purpose of keeping a toned body to please you.
When I do my 15 minutes of eight-pound curls, my husband requires me to recite “I must, I must, I must increase my bust.” I suggest a more gender-appropriate song for Billy such as “I best, I best, I best increase my pecs.”
As far as Billy’s daily costume is concerned, remember that it’s your needs that count, not his fashion sensibility. Whether you prefer him in preppy gear, or leather vest and hot pants with “butt flaps” that unzip, or cross-dressed, he should wear his outfit with pride and not be shy about greeting the mailman, home repair guy and other daily visitors while wearing sexy clothes.
Billy should be made to greet you upon your arrival home each night with a martini in hand and a kiss on the lips.
My Hubby prefers to spend cocktail hour sitting in his easy chair sipping his drink while I sit on the floor massaging his feet, all the while “oohing-and-ahhing” as he recounts his businesses successes that day. You should engage in similar relaxation, perhaps reclining back in your chair while Billy feeds you fat grapes. Once refreshed, you can reciprocate by feeding him your “fat banana.”
When dinnertime comes, have Billy serve you first. Once you’ve tucked in to your steak tartar or roast duck, Billy can sit down to his 400-calorie oatmeal-and-yogurt spread.
While Billy’s busy washing the dishes, you should retire to the living room to review your lecture for Billy and limber up your “spanking arm.”
Whether rules are broken or not, nightly spanking is a necessity in the early months of marriage. Even if Billy isn't silly, pretending that you’re displeased will encourage him to do better. As my husband likes to remind me, the head of the household doesn’t need a specific reason to spank.
Spankings are for my benefit and his pleasure, Hubby says, and I should always remember to be grateful. If I voice the slightest protest about a spanking being unfair, I get spanked harder.
Once you’ve blistered his bottom, Billy should arise from your lap, bow, kiss you softly on the cheek and say “Thank you Daddy for spanking me so hard. I know you do it because you love me and care about how I behave.”
Then you and he may retire to the bedroom for three hours of bed-shaking sex.
Congrats again on getting hitched! If you need my recipe for beer ice cream and fried beef jerky for ‘ours devours for the reception, please write.