A
Gentleman writes:
After
years of hard work, my company rightly rewarded me with a promotion and healthy
raise. The new job requires me and longtime companion, Billy, to move from
Miami Beach to company headquarters in Iowa.
While
we’re sad to leave the Florida sunshine behind, my increased pay coupled with
the lower cost-of-living lets us upgrade from one-bedroom condominium to
5,000-square-foot “McMansion.” Just as important, moving to a sophisticated
state such as Iowa gives me and Billy the chance to finally “tie the knot.”
Billy’s
never brought in much money from his career as professional body builder. To
make up for it, he takes primary housekeeping responsibility.
Though
he averages 12 hours a day at the gym, Billy’s cooking and cleaning have heretofore
proved acceptable. But, now that we’re getting married, I expect a bit more from
Billy than the bare minimum. It’s high time he puts dreams of body-building
stardom on the shelf so he can spend the majority of time attending to my
needs.
I
came across your blog researching vacuum cleaners online, as Billy carelessly broke
the old one running it into a set of barbells he left on the living room floor.
I must confess the thought of Billy hard at work during the day keeping my
mansion immaculately clean and cooking me fancy dinners while being at my beck
and call anytime I desire sex at night is most appealing.
But,
as a rising corporate star with dreams of CEO-ship dancing in my head, I dare
not commit a faux pas in my domestic life.
As your blog is required reading among the smart set, I must ask: Is
it acceptable for gay married men to practice the “1950s Wife” lifestyle?
Kind
Sir:
First
let me congratulate you and Billy on your impending nuptials. If only more
states followed the lead of the Hawkeye State, then these United States would
be a better place.
Of
course it’s perfectly acceptable that you and Billy, now that you’re becoming
Mr.-and-Mr., to incorporate 1950s Wife-values into your daily routine.
Having
spent so many years in the Florida sun, Billy may chaff at first at being kept
in the house most of the day cleaning house, cooking your meals and laundering
your clothes. His previous routine of 84 hours a week in the gym should help in
the adjustment, as will Iowa’s eight-month winters.
While
proper housekeeping is certainly strenuous, it probably doesn’t burn as many
calories as pumping iron 12 hours every day. As you don’t want to risk losing
your sexual desire for Billy by him getting all flabby with “man boobs” and a
big fat gut, you should limit his diet to 1500 calories a day of fruit, nuts
and protein shakes.
Allow
him one hour out of his 12-hour housekeeping day to devote to push-ups jumping
jacks, “Burpees” and other calisthenics and weightlifting. While he’s working
out, you should require Billy to recite phrases to remind him that the purpose
of keeping a toned body to please you.
When
I do my 15 minutes of eight-pound curls, my husband requires me to recite “I
must, I must, I must increase my bust.” I suggest a more gender-appropriate
song for Billy such as “I best, I best, I best increase my pecs.”
As
far as Billy’s daily costume is concerned, remember that it’s your needs that
count, not his fashion sensibility. Whether you prefer him in preppy gear, or leather vest and hot pants with “butt flaps” that unzip, or
cross-dressed, he should wear his outfit with pride and not be shy about
greeting the mailman, home repair guy and other daily visitors while wearing
sexy clothes.
Billy
should be made to greet you upon your arrival home each night with a martini in
hand and a kiss on the lips.
My
Hubby prefers to spend cocktail hour sitting in his easy chair sipping his
drink while I sit on the floor massaging his feet, all the while
“oohing-and-ahhing” as he recounts his businesses successes that day. You
should engage in similar relaxation, perhaps reclining back in your chair while
Billy feeds you fat grapes. Once refreshed, you can reciprocate by feeding him your
“fat banana.”
When
dinnertime comes, have Billy serve you first. Once you’ve tucked in to your
steak tartar or roast duck, Billy can sit down to his 400-calorie
oatmeal-and-yogurt spread.
While
Billy’s busy washing the dishes, you should retire to the living room to review
your lecture for Billy and limber up your “spanking arm.”
Whether
rules are broken or not, nightly spanking is a necessity in the early months of
marriage. Even if Billy isn't silly, pretending that you’re displeased
will encourage him to do better. As my husband likes to remind me, the head of
the household doesn’t need a specific reason to spank.
Spankings
are for my benefit and his pleasure, Hubby says, and I should always remember
to be grateful. If I voice the slightest protest about a spanking being unfair,
I get spanked harder.
Once
you’ve blistered his bottom, Billy should arise from your lap, bow, kiss you
softly on the cheek and say “Thank you Daddy for spanking me so hard. I know
you do it because you love me and care about how I behave.”
Then
you and he may retire to the bedroom for three hours of bed-shaking sex.
Congrats
again on getting hitched! If you need my recipe for beer ice cream and fried
beef jerky for ‘ours devours for the reception, please write.
No comments:
Post a Comment