"Girly Ball," the Latest Sporting Craze

Dear 1950s Wife:

With warm weather upon us, our town's submissive wives will soon take the field for another season of "Girly Ball" -- a sport our husbands love to watch us play but isn't always so much fun for me and teammates.

Girly Ball is essentially touch football. But instead of jerseys and jeans, our uniforms consist of tight white sweaters with push-up bras underneath, teeny-tiny plaid skirts that barely cover our bottoms, white knee socks and saddle shoes.

Our white panties include Velcro straps across the middle affixed to which are red ribbons long enough for the bottom six inches to fall past the end of our skirts. Instead of "touching" the opponent, a successful tackle requires ripping the ribbon off the ball carrier’s behind.

As you might imagine, our husbands find it highly amusing to watch their wives scampering across the field in our tight sweaters and embarrassingly-short "naughty schoolgirl" skirts as we try to snatch ribbons off each others' backsides.

Being that we're "girly girls," plenty of slap-fighting and hair-pulling takes place during play. And along with yardage being assessed for fouls, offending players get paddle swats from the referee and must stand in the penalty box for a set amount of time in "touch-toes-position."

And there's more paddling for some of us at the end of the game. As motivation to play hard throughout the contest, the winning team's players get to administer paddle swats to the losing team's backsides: one lick for every point in the margin of victory.

As we're spanked so much by our husbands, it's so much fun to turn the tables when we win and hand out licks full force. But whenever we lose, the victorious team is sure to return the favor.

After the paddling, all the players kick off their saddle shoes and scamper into a shallow duck pond at field's edge. We must squat down for several minutes so the water is at chin level. (The losing team must keep this position for five extra minutes.)

Boy oh boy, that pond sure is cold this time of year. And even in the summer when the water is warmer, it's so uncomfortable especially when feel I feel tadpoles slithering across my legs

Once thoroughly soaked, we stand up in the pond and spend several minutes posing for our husbands. They like us to throw back our hair and stick out our chests, our drenched sweaters showing off our cleavage to full effect, and to lift our skirts so they can admire front and back views of our soaked panties.

Once we're let out of the pond, the losing team must do calisthenics for several minutes. Then we're finally allowed to towel off and change clothes. There's no locker room, so we girls form a human circle so each player can change out of her drippy outfit one-by-one.

If my team loses, I also get spanked by my husband when we get home. So I sure hope we have a good team this year.

My husband's in the backyard and I just heard his training whistle blow. Got to go run laps around the house.

Good woman:

"Girly Ball," what a fantastic sport!

I shall certainly show my husband your letter so he can tell the other husbands about this fun game. I'm confident the sport will soon catch on in our town.

"Girly Ball" sounds like so much fun! So sad to be in my late 40s and thus far too old for such a vigorous sport. I limit my exercise these days to high-speed vacuum cleaning, mopping, ironing and other aerobic activities.